Someone I know recently boarded a plane for a 14-hour flight to Africa. As she found her seat, half of it was occupied by a rather large woman who spilled over from her own (this has actually been a topic of debate here regarding ticket purchases). As she wedged into her own aisle seat, the other woman (who had the window seat) informed my friend that she was on her way to the funeral of a close relative, and that they had had a very troubled relationship. My friend felt very sorry for her, and braced for an emotionally turbulent ride. Then she told my friend that she was a chronic diarrheatic. My friend then felt incredibly sorry for herself.
Even if you’re on your way to a Hawaii vacation or European getaway, 14 hours of feeling like Dr. Phil and dealing with untrustworthy digestive systems because of who’s sitting next to you makes for a miserable flight… And it got me thinking: Who’s the absolute last person you’d want sitting next to you on a very long plane ride? Here are 13 that immediately came to mind:
Borat/Bruno
Hilarious, yes. But from a distance. A very, very long distance. Aside from his extreme personal space issues and rampant offensive remarks, my biggest fear would be turbulence causing him to land in my seat the way he did with Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards.
Jon & Kate (Minus the Eight)
Sitting next to each one of them individually is fine, I’m sure. But imagine sitting in between them for a very long period…
Ted Stryker
The man’s been in two disaster movies involving airplanes, which, while funny for the audience, were nightmares for his fellow passengers. Yeah, he managed to land both planes–one of them on the moon, no less–but would you want him on yours? Yes? Surely you can’t be serious.
ShamWow Guy
On a plane, there’s no way to avoid him with the flip of a remote control button. Aside from being loud and obnoxious, he’s likely to pitch any number of infomercial products at you the entire flight.
Dwight Schrute
He won’t tolerate you being a fraction-of-an-inch on his seat space, and threatens extreme retaliation for his personal injustices. Add unending dialogue about beets, bears and Battlestar Galactica to the flight and you just might use the emergency exit… 10,000 feet in the sky.
Kimbo Slice
The MMA fighter is so massively huge, he’d certainly occupy part of your own seat in addition to his. But because he’s so fierce (and downright scary) in the ring, there’s no way you’d say anything regardless of how uncomfortable you are for 14 straight hours.
Hugo “Hurley” Reyes
He’s actually one of my favorite Lost characters, and I’d love hanging out with him. But I’ll be honest, disaster follows wherever he goes–whether it’s meteors crashing his restaurant or airplanes on which he’s flying smashing into islands–so if I see him onboard, I’m racing back up the tarmac.
Anyone from The Real Housewives of…
I’ve never seen the show (no really, I’m serious)–but I’ve seen the ads and that’s more than plenty. All of you “housewives,” please go far, far away. Just not by way of the same flight I’m on.
Lloyd Christmas
Loved the movie, but imagine 14 hours of this. Enough said.
Simon Cowell
He’s actually the one American Idol judge I enjoy on the show because you never know what’s going to come out of his mouth–which is exactly why I’d hate sitting next to him on a plane.
Miss Piggy
All she ever does is talk about how pretty she is, snorting ”moi” whenever referencing herself. And if you annoy her by blowing the air too high, playing your iPod too loud, or just breathing funny, you’re destined to get a “hi-yaa!” karate chop across the chest from the Pork Chop Diva.
Carrot Top
I don’t know if he’d get it all through security, but there’s no telling what he’d pull out of his carry-on luggage to share with you mid-flight. Sure, some of his prop-based humor is funny, but half-a-day of these jokes will have you hankering for the captain to turn the seat belt sign off so you can move about the cabin.
Joan (or Melissa) Rivers
I can’t tolerate a second of her red carpet appearances, so imagine being trapped for an entire flight with her next to you as she criticizes how your flip-flops are a fashion faux pas and your t-shirt looks hideous. Or maybe she just goes all Celebrity Apprentice on you… At least you’ve got the air-sickness bag handy.
What do you think? Who would you hate to have sitting next to you on a long flight? Feel free to share, and may the seat beside you on your next flight be empty.
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Yikes, can you imagine what kind of “joke” you’d wake up to seated next to carrot top ?
Dylan “Ratbags” Rattigan. He has a mouth the size of the Grand Canyon, an ego to match, and if you gave him an enema you could bury the remains in a matchbox.
Wow, no doubt dude that is SCARY!
RT
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bill moher… what a jerk that guy is. of course, i’d hate having rush limbaugh next to me on the other side of the political aisle too
Matt Wilson. List-based comedy writers are so close to the bottom of humanity that there is no penalty for killing one in Texas.
I had to sit by a guy who thought it was great fun to masturbate under his blanket that the airline had given him. He did it for over 7 hours on and off. He trie to grab my hand time and again to “assist” him in his efforts. I told a flight attendant but unfortunatly the flight was fully booked so that I could not be moved. That was such an awful experience!
I’d hate to sit next to Billy Mays, too. Because I’d be dead.
MG – I think it’s legal to kill pretty much anything in Texas – even snarky commenters
. But I’ll watch my back the next time I’m in the DFW area.
[...] – There’s always the risk of who you’re sitting next to on a plane or at the gate making for a bad experience, but risk it and start up a conversation. I sat next to a guy who happened to be a baseball coach [...]
Who’s better: the guy that writes something that someone, somewhere might not like, or the consummate critic? I guess by my logic, the list-based comedy writer is one level up from the latter.
Speaking of Billy Mays, the media was wrong in reporting that he was 50 years old. He was actually 49.95.